shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
