My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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