i don't like sucking hair
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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