i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
