he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
