the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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