***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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