His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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