that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
