ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
