life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My bed smells like the plague
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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