My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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