Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize