Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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