i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
