I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize