I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
