We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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