So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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