Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
