my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
