The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
