I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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