Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
