Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
FUCK WHALES
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
