Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
