I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
