I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
