I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
