Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
