I'm so fucking centered right now
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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