This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
