So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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