Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
