Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
