I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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