Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
