This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
