I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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