Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
