remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We were destined to go to rehab together
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
