Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
