Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
