Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
