i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
