so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
