when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
