I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
