i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
