You can't motorboat a personality
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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