i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dignity is for republicans.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
