I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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