The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
