I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
