Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
