too bad you live with your parents still
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
