I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
