i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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