My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
